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22nd Oct, 2006

is this it?

This feels like it might be the end.
I dont really see anything else

21st Oct, 2006

I had a bad night!

So last night i had a really bad night and for the first time in absolutely ages i wrote down stuff. Not poems exactly, not memories either, just stuff i had floating in my head. And well to say that it disturbed me slightly is an understatement.
Anyways this was what i came out with:

Freefalling:

she.s running, shes running, shes running through the dark.
shes falling, shes falling, shes on her knees crawling.
shes crying, shes crying, shes screaming out in pain.
Shes freezing. Shes freezing, her heart is cold and bleeding
shes lonely, shes lonely, shes lost all feeling.
shes dying, shes dying, her heart's no longer beating.

A Childs Point Of View:
Can you make me feel? can you make me see? Do you visualise the tears that run free?
When im screaming are you stood next to me? When im bleeding are you there for me?
When i've triumphed do you celebrate for me? When i fail are you disappointed in me?
Do you remember my name? Where are you? I'm reaching through the darkness, blindly searching for you. DOnt leave me here, come find me please.
Save me from myself and help me breathe. Please dont hit me, please, oh please, im begging, i'm on my knees. Why are
you doing this i cry through the tears, because you stupid bitch you drove me to this,this burning fire deep down inside,
While your breathing, i'm wishing, wishing so hard that you'd die.
Don't you realise you're killing me. I'm crying, My fires no longer burning the
light has gone from my eyes. inside you've killed me, you've made me who i am. Too scared
to close my eyes. Sitting here with nothing to do but wait to die.

20th Oct, 2006

Life, Love and Nothingness

So i'm trawling through myspace cos i have nothing better to do on a Friday night :S:S:S, and looking at all the people i used to go to school with has made me feel really weird and kind of numb. I'm not sure if that's the right word.
Jealous might be a better word. All of them have girlfriends or Boyfriends, going on holidays, driving/ own their own cars and are being teenagers. Living it to the max, living in the here and now or whatever you would choose to call it.
I want to be driving, have freedom. I guess living on my own at 17 is a massive freedom, but i still feel so trapped. so isolated and i feel like i'm 40. I'm not even 18 and i feel like i'm decades old.
Just for one night i'd love to be able to dress up, meet up with all my girlies and not having to worry about money and stuff, just go out and have a great night.
Be a teen, get ratted, pull, have a laugh, get nicely tipsy.
But i can't.
i'm getting depressed again, starting to feel crazy again, so im throwing myself into my college work. i want to get good grades to go to uni. but then when i get there, will i be able to follow the career that im looking into?
I don't think i will, and if i cant i really dont know what i'll do next.
I don't like the fact that every night i go to sleep on my own and every morning wake up on my own. I'm not saying i want to be settled down in some serious relationship, but it would be nice to have someone there to talk to, to cuddle up with, to laugh with or even to cry with.
I feel like i'm at yet another crossroads, spinning around, disorientated, falling. but maybe i just need to go along with it. stay in a free fall, and just as i think im going to smash into the ground, who knows maybe something will break my fall.

19th Oct, 2006

im new here

Heya guys,
Im Charley and im 17 im new to live journal and am just spending sometime looking round. Im at college doing Pyschology, Sociology and Law and am interested in all sorts of weird and wonderful things. are there specific topics being discussed or does everyone just throw in comments? lol :)

College

So after a really interesting sociology lesson, i was left sat there trying to think...... so what will be next? what do i want to achieve from life? what will my next step be?
I was never a great believer in planning things because it seemed like everytime i planned something, it got obliterated before it could come into effect.
So how is a good way to go about answering the seemingly unanswerable?
should i just slide with it and wait for the answer to come to me? or should i go out and attack life? after all its gonna kill me anyway!

October 2006

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